Difficult Emotions - Why do we need them?
Why do we need them, anyway?
Nobody likes to feel bad or to experience negative emotions. We look for please and try, at all costs, to avoid suffering. Why wouldn’t we? Anger, anxiety, shame, guilt – they all make us feel very uncomfortable. And we try to push them away, avoid them, suppress them or just hope they will go away.
Very often I hear from the clients that I work with that instead of all these intense emotions they have to deal with, they would much rather feel indifference, even apathy or, of course, relaxations, happiness or enthusiasm.
And then I remind them that our emotions are on a continuum and that we can try to move from one end of this line to the other, but we cannot make great leaps that deviate from the line itself.
Imagine feeling intense anger in an argument with your partner. Your body is flooded with adrenaline, and you are prepared to fight for what is important, right or fair for you, to assert your opinion or to gain power. How can you expect to go from anger to relaxation or joy?
Ask yourself:
What are you missing when you run away from difficult emotions?
What benefits can they offer you that you are not seeing?
Why are challenging emotions important?
How does it help you to know that at some point, you feel dissatisfaction, worry, or sadness?
Why is it useful to realize what emotion the person in front of you feels?
Functional and dysfunctional difficult emotions
Are all “negative” emotions the same?
There is a difference between the negative emotions you feel. They can be functional or dysfunctional depending on how they help you adapt to what is happening to you right now, how they help you function in a specific situation.
Dysfunctional emotions usually come with a state of physical and mental discomfort, lead you to behaviours against your goals and block you from taking steps towards achieving the things you want.
In opposition, functional emotions draw your attention to the fact that something is in your way, but does not demotivate you from progressing, instead increase your motivation to continue. Even if you might not like how you feel.
Our functional emotions play a significant role in adapting to everything that happens in our lives, no matter how fast things might be unfolding.
The functions of difficult emotions
Communication with yourself
Intense emotions offer you the opportunity to get to know and understand yourself better. They let you know you are connected to your needs and values. They also tell you on which aspects of your life you need to pay more attention to.
Emotions give you valuable information about situations and people. For example, fear tells you that a situation could be dangerous. Sadness and worry can suggest that something is important to you that you are passionate about it, and it can be a catalyst for change.
Communication with others
The way we express our emotions influences others, whether we want it or not. By communicating with other people how you feel, you provide them with valuable information that helps them choose appropriate behaviours towards you. For example, expressing sadness can arouse concern and empathy from the ones around you and can cause them to be more caring and attentive. Showing fear can communicate the presence of danger to others.
The fact that those around us express their emotions gives us new details about how we can communicate socially and, thus, respond in a way appropriate to their needs. As a consequence, we manage to build closer and deeper relationships with the people around us in a variety of contexts.
Motivation / Preparation for action
Emotions can motivate and prepare you to act. Intense fear pushes you to escape danger. Worry can motivate you to study for an exam or prepare for a project. Dissatisfaction might suggest that you need to mobilize to find solutions to solve a particular situation.
Emotions help you make decisions through the information they give you, mobilizing you to act quickly and engage in behaviours that increase your chances of survival or success.
Recognizing your own emotions and understanding the feelings of others helps you to adapt to the situations you go through, to interact more authentically with those around you, and to communicate more effectively with them and with yourself.
Difficult emotions are a necessary and important part of a normal and healthy life. Every emotion has a function and a purpose. To be able to find it, you need to explore and understand what is behind your emotions and how they can support your self-improvement and sense of wellbeing.
Let’s Talk
If you are having difficulty navigating your challenging emotions and you want to work on this together, get in touch. We can discuss your needs and goals and find ways to personalize this process so you can get the most out of it.
