5 Reasons Why We Struggle with Difficult Emotions
Why do we struggle?
Negative emotions have a bad reputation. And, on the one side, it makes perfect sense: it is normal for us to look for pleasure and avoid suffering. And, they are unpleasant, scary, overwhelming and difficult to control. So, how do we respond to challenging feelings? We try to push them away, ignore them, avoid them, hide them. And we invest a lot of time, energy and effort into not feeling the way we are feeling.
Discover below 5 reasons why we struggle with difficult emotions and how to deal with them.
1. We never learned how to manage difficult emotions.
If what you heard over and over again was:
"Don't be sad. It's going to be ok".
"You have to be positive".
"It's not worth worrying about this",
"Think positively and you will feel positively."
- Then you will start to believe it and apply it. And with repetition comes habit. We end up stuck in this trap in which we invalidate our emotions, we don't allow them space to manifest, we don't give ourselves permission to feel what we are experiencing and we are in a permanent fight with our feelings.
That comes with a lot of negative consequences for our emotional health, it affects our relationship with ourselves, our well-being level decreases, we are more sensitive to stress, and we can end up feeling intense guilt because we repeat the same patterns.
But a habit is just that, and habits can be changed.
2. We are influenced by past experiences.
If in the past, when you experienced an intense emotion, you found that immensely challenging or awful, it would make sense for you to try to protect yourself from going through a similar situation. As a result, you start to anticipate scenarios in which you might feel like that, and maybe even begin to avoid them. You invest a lot of time and energy into protecting yourself, and it can be even more exhausting than actually going through that experience again.
Even though it's true that we have learned some negative patterns in the past, are we willing to let things that are no longer present, influence our lives now and the way in which we react to our emotions?
The past is significant and it does leave a print, but the past is gone and you cannot change it. You can choose to continue to repeat the same patterns or make a conscious effort to transform them into beliefs and thoughts that are helpful to you in the present and that lead to the reaction that you desire.
3. We have a low tolerance to discomfort.
A difficulty tolerating discomfort can manifest in many areas of your life, from physical sensations, to uncertain situations, or unpleasant conversations.
When it comes to your emotions, if it is hard for you to tolerate how you are feeling, you will more likely focus much more on those difficult emotions, stay with the suffering much longer and prolong your emotional pain. Your attention is like a magnifying glass and it accentuates whatever you aim it at.
In turn, raising your tolerance to discomfort can help you not overreact to things that you dislike, and that includes your challenging emotions. It will support an attitude of problem-solving, instead of over-focusing on the negative aspects.
4. We avoid in the moment to feel relief.
When you experience something negative, you will begin to feel uncomfortable and pressure will start to build up in your body and your mind. In order to get rid of it, you will avoid what you are feeling. And in the next few seconds or even minutes, you will feel great. The bad feeling is gone and you feel relief.
The problem is avoidance only brings us benefits in the very short term. You didn't connect to yourself at that moment, you didn't understand what you were feeling and why and you didn't learn anything in that situation about yourself and your ability to manage your emotion.
On the contrary, you reinforced a strategy that only helped you briefly, and you will be more inclined to use it next time as well. And you proved to yourself, once again, that you are not able to sit with that emotion or to manage it – which can be very discouraging. As a consequence, you will be stuck in a vicious circle of avoidance.
5. We are afraid or scared of our negative emotions.
Sometimes you might believe that if you are experiencing a difficult emotion, you will not be able to manage it, you might lose control, it might become too intense for you to handle or that might become your permanent state. These thoughts are usually compelling and even overwhelming. You can feel like you are stuck, drowning or lost when it comes to managing intense emotions.
But, ask yourself:
What emotion lasts forever, at the same intensity?
What emotion can actually overdrive my ability to think?
In the past, when I experienced a similar emotion, did I lose control?
Is the effort that I am investing in avoiding my emotion really worth it?
These are just a few of the explanations why you might be struggling with your negative emotions. Take a few moments to reflect what is true for you and how you are approaching difficult emotions.
We want to be in a place where we make space from our challenging emotions, understand why they are there, acknowledge the lesson they are trying to teach us, integrate them in our lives and work towards having a balanced emotional life.
And I leave you with a final question: Would “positive” emotions feel so amazing if you wouldn't feel the “negative” ones to compare?
Let’s Talk
If you are having difficulty navigating your challenging emotions and you want to work on this together, get in touch. We can discuss your needs and goals and find ways to personalize this process so you can get the most out of it.
