– Speak with kindness

What is Self-Talk?

Self-talk is that inner voice, that internal dialogue or narrative that we hold about ourselves.

It encompasses all the things that you say to and about yourself.

Even though we might not be aware of it all the time, our self-talk has a significant impact on the way we perceive ourselves, the ones around us and the world in general.  

Negative vs Positive Self-Talk

Our brains have a negativity bias - that means that our attention and memory are automatically focused on negative things much more often than neutral or positive ones. We are hardwired to remember negative experiences and to focus on the negative things that we don’t like about ourselves, in contrast to the positive ones. In addition, early experiences and learned thinking patterns come into play.

This results in negative self-talk. We keep telling ourselves that “we are not good enough”, “we can’t do anything right”, “we are incapable and a failure”. We go back to the past and remember all the times when we made mistakes, we had unwanted behaviors or negative performances. We replay these messages in our minds over and over again, and we keep experiencing intense negative emotions.  

Positive self-talk is the opposite of negative self-talk. And it’s often misunderstood.

When we use positive self-talk, we are not lying or deceiving ourselves. We are not denying the reality around us or our behaviors. And we are not just complimenting and flattering ourselves without any basis for it.

Instead, we reframe how we perceive things and keep our negativity bias under control. We show ourselves self-compassion and understanding for who we are, what we have been through and what we are facing right now. We remind ourselves that we are life-long learners, and we are still working on developing our skills and abilities.

Did you know?

Positive self-talk and self-compassion act as a buffer between negative life events and our emotional functioning in general. The use of this strategy is associated with multiple benefits:

• Enhanced performance at work and in daily activities

• Increased ability to cope with challenges and changes

• Reduced stress and pain levels

• Increased problem-solving skills

• Increased emotional intelligence

• More stable and deeper social relationships

• Greater life satisfaction and wellbeing

How to use positive self-talk?

1. If you wouldn’t say that to a loved one, do not say it to yourself!

Do you sometimes feel that you are your own worst critic and that you put yourself down? Are you too harsh, authoritative, or even mean when you speak to yourself? Some of the negative things we tell ourselves in our inner dialogues, we would never say to a loved one, to a stranger or even to a perceived competitor or enemy.

So, why are we protecting the ones around us and are willing to put so much care and effort into how we talk to them, but we are not willing to do the same for ourselves?

Do we not deserve the same level of care and effort?

Yes, yes, we do! We just need to be reminded of it. And this is what positive self-talk and self-compassion are all about. It implies talking to ourselves with kindness and understanding. Because we deserve it!

When you catch yourself saying negative and even cruel things about yourself, stop and ask: Would I talk like that to my partner? Or to a parent? To my friends? If the answer is no, then you need to replace it with a more compassionate and understanding sentence.

2. Stop labelling yourself!

 Is this really true what I am saying to and about myself right now?

Am I really a bad person just because I did an unwanted behavior?

Am I really stupid just because I didn’t manage to understand something in that situation?

Am I really incapable just because I made a mistake?

Am I really unlovable just because someone didn’t want to be in a relationship with me?

No, no, no!

These are all labels that we attach to ourselves. When we say we are incapable or unlovable, that means that we see ourselves only through those lenses and it comes with a sense of permanency, like a constant that cannot be changed – if I am incapable, I will not believe I will be capable of completing a similar task tomorrow or the next day.

Just because we have these thoughts, that doesn’t make them true, or even logical or applicable. And they are certainly unkind.

Of course, we do not want to make mistakes or do negative actions, but we should examine our behaviors and see how we can improve them so in the future we have higher chances of performing in the way we desire. Even if you were not able to do something right now, that doesn’t mean you cannot do it in general and that you cannot try again later or tomorrow.

• Why did you make a mistake?

  Maybe you were not paying attention, you didn’t have all the information you needed to be able to avoid it, or you were running low on energy and resources, or your intense emotions got in the way.

  What can you do to minimize the impact of these factors in the future?

3. Is this helpful, or am I just punishing myself?

If what you are saying to yourself does not bring you any value and does not positively motivate you to improve your behaviors or your skills, then you are just submitting yourself to mental suffering by talking in the way that you do with yourself in that moment.

The alternative would be using a calm but clear way of speaking to ourselves in a reassuring way. Our inner dialogues are meant to be constructive, supportive and motivating.

How can you apply Positive Self-Talk to Validate your Negative Emotions?

Let’s Talk

If you are noticing that your internal dialogue is holding you back and negatively influencing your wellbeing and you would like to learn more about how to use positive self-talk to experience all the wonderful benefits that it can bring, get in touch. We can discuss your needs and goals and make a plan of how we can work together.