Saying No is not Selfish - How to Express Needs and Set Boundaries
Our needs, desires and dissatisfactions are important. Expressing and fulfilling them means achieving a greater sense of balance while staying congruent and authentic with ourselves. This is not a simple process as it involves balancing our needs with the ones of the people around us. For some of us, this can be a continuous source of cognitive dissonance and distress.
But just as a flight attendant says that you have to put your breathing mask first in order to be able to help others, the same idea applies for our relationships. We cannot be of service to our loved ones if we are not of service to ourselves first.
Why is it difficult to say No?
1. Evolutionary perspective
Many people feel uncomfortable when having to say No to a loved one or even to colleagues or acquaintances. This is because, from an evolutionary perspective, we have a wired need for wanting to be accepted and included in our relationships, in different groups, and in our community. Our desire to be connected with other people can be traced back to our ancestors. If you were not part of a group, your chances for survival decreased significantly.
2. Our thoughts get in the way
We avoid saying No because we don’t want to upset the other person, we don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, and we don’t want to get into a conflict. We also avoid it because we don’t want the other person to form a negative opinion about us and potentially lose the benefits of that relationship.
3. Early learning experiences
What we have learned as children, or more importantly, what we did not learn from our families plays an important role. If we were not thought how to manage conflict in a healthy way, if our boundaries were crossed or our needs were not met, then it can be difficult for us to know as adults how to deal with these specific and complex social situations.
How can we manage to motivate ourselves and feel less uncomfortable when saying No?
1. Thoughts – Get a different perspective
a. You are not responsible for other people’s feelings, behaviours and reactions.
If you think and expect that the other person will get upset when you say No and you start to feel stressed, anxious or guilty about it, you will most likely choose to avoid the conversation and then the probability of you saying No will decrease significantly.
As your stress, anxiety or guilt in this situation comes from your thoughts, the same applies to the other person’s feelings of being upset. You cannot control how the other person’s brain is functioning, what thinking patterns they have, how their previous experiences have shaped the way they interpreted a message and experience emotions.
Another person’s feelings, behaviours and reactions are not your responsibility. Taking this responsibility on you and putting it on your shoulders leads to charring a huge burden that is not yours to carry.
b. You cannot predict the future or read people’s minds.
You do not actually know how the other person is going to feel or react. You do not have this superpower of fortune-telling and mind-readying. Nobody does. You can stay in the present and do the best you can in a particular situation.
You are only responsible for your part of the conversation, and that means being as gentle and assertive as possible when saying No. And if the other person does get upset, the only thing you can do is to explain the situation and make attempts to repair the relationship if needed.
c. Feelings don’t stay with us forever and ever.
Remember the last time you got upset? What happened after? Eventually, your feelings decreased in intensity, went away, and you probably forgot about it. All emotions go away eventually. And if the relationship cannot be repaired, you can ask yourself: do I really want to be in a relationship with someone that does not understand and respect my needs and desires once I have expressed them?
Once you understand and accept the limits of your responsibility in a relationship, the fact that you cannot know what other people are thinking or accurately predict how they will act and the idea that emotions eventually decrease in intensity, you will set yourself free, and you will be more authentic in the way you express ourselves.
2. Consider the benefits on your relationships
You want to be in relationships where you can be ourselves. And that means accepting that sometimes you are not in the mood, don’t have the energy or resources or the mental space to be able to spend quality time with another person.
And you want to be in relationships in which you offer the other person the opportunity to get to know you fully and understand you completely. You can only do that when you express your needs and your preferences. In this way, you give the other person a chance to expand their understanding of you and to adapt together with you.
3. Practice, practice, practice!
You manage to feel more comfortable when saying No after you've gone through the process of doing this behaviour a few times. And it is always a good idea to start small and say No to small requests or asks from the ones around you until you move on to more complicated situations. Use self-understanding and self-compassion as you work on this. It might be painful at first, but it also offers unlimited learning possibilities.
And remember, you saying No has nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with respecting your needs and desires in a particular situation. You are the only one responsible for fulfilling your needs and desires, and if you do not do that, no one else can do it for you. Take responsibility and be gentle to the ones around you.
Let’s Talk
If you are having difficulties setting health boundaries, expressing your needs and desires and Saying No and you want to do this together, get in touch. We can discuss your needs and goals and find ways to personalize this process so you can get the most out of it.
